In Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg argues that many conversations happen on different levels. Sometimes we’re having a practical conversation, trying to exchange information or solve a problem. Sometimes it’s emotional, where the real need is to feel heard, understood or supported. Other times it’s social, exploring identity, values or belonging.
Communication often falters when people are unknowingly having different conversations at the same time.
Imagine someone says, “I’ve just left my job to become self-employed.” A practical response might be, “What line of work are you in?” or “Have you sorted your accounts yet?” Those questions aren’t wrong, but they assume the person wants to discuss logistics. An emotional response might instead be, “How does that feel?” or “That’s a big step,how are you doing with it?” The difference isn’t that one is better than the other. It’s that effective communicators become skilled at noticing which conversation the other person is inviting them into and matching it.
For people living with pain, this can make a profound difference. Someone describing their symptoms may not always be asking for another exercise, an explanation, fix or a solution.
They may be asking, without saying it directly, “Do you believe me?”, “Is this normal?”, or “Is there reason to be hopeful?”
Before responding, it can help to pause and ask yourself: What kind of response are they looking for? Are they asking me to solve something, to understand something, or simply to hear them? Matching your response to the conversation they are trying to have can reduce frustration, build trust and create a stronger therapeutic relationship. Once people feel understood, they’re often much more ready for the practical conversation too.
Be an active listener, use non verbal skills too, a sound, a head nod. The rise of social media has been the death conversation skills, a simple but brilliant phrase to use is just: “Tell me more”.
Channel Louis Theroux in his mastery of the pause and genuine curiosity, the technique he also uses of reflecting back to them. These ideas all become the language of connection instead of criticism or feeling hollow.
Stop trying to be more interesting start trying to be more interested.
